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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kasmiur's LiveJournal:

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Monday, September 15th, 2008
9:48 pm
I dig goofy tshirts.
One day I will have a Tshirt that says "witty Tshirt is not a political statement" or something to that effect. Looong time ago a favorite site of mine started doing Tshirt contests and I've submitted entries and never had one selected. I know your thinking hes posting this because it was selected.. sadly no. However I came across a funny Tshirt and wanted to share it.



Yes it is zombies on segways. What more could you want?

Not much else going on. Music still keeping me sane. I keep telling myself I'll write 2000 words on the new slipknot CD or 1000 on the new Disturbed disc but nothing I could write would truly to go from
to

I'm not a oldtime slipknot fan. I was introducted to them when Sublim Vol 3 came out. I was researching Rick Rubin and his stuff and came across the album. So I heard Duality and Circle and figured this was a band I could like. I heard some of thier CD Iowa but never really caught on. While I still do not fully like some of thier heavier stuff as I cannot catch the melody in it the other stuff amazes me. I do admit that with a band of 9 members its probably insane and they could do stuff live that most bands couldnt' dream of (sequential drummers and other fun things)

Give em a shot. If your someone I know I can loan you my CD or let you listen to them. Both are excellent bands.
Monday, August 18th, 2008
10:41 pm
Tales from the black hole
This town has a lot of memories. 13 years is a long time. Often though the memories revolve around a single person. From age 15 to my early 20's I was obsessed with this girl. Living in this town reminds me of that.

In the back of my mind I hear a voice muttering to me. "Go a head and remember those times. Shes here also perhaps you could try and reignite something" I tell myself I'm in a relationship and I keep comparing what I feel now compared to the memories of what I had then. Its like this wonderful movie where I remember all the memorable parts. It is further helped by me hanging out with an old friend who also remembers some of those good times.

It doesn't take long for me to bask in those memories before my defenses start to kick in. I look on my arms and I realize that I was miserable. While I was completely devoted and wanting of this person I let my life go to heck. I squandered what emotions I had for other things and cashed them in for more adoration for this girl. I'm certain she realized it. I don't know if she could've done anything to help or hurt.

It is those memories that made me realize what I disliked about this town. In between the few good memories that I have there are lots of bad memories. There are lots of moments I had to salvage what little was left of my psyche and attempt to hold onto it while other parts were being destroyed or robbed.

So easily I lose focus. Assaulted by memories, old friends, foes, the suppression that occurs due to this town sucking whatever creativity out of you. I used to tell myself that if she was to call and tell me we could give a relationship a shot if I lived in sterling that I would drop everything I had and would move back. Well I'm here, haven't spoken to her yet, but I know that this town is a death sentence. Slowly killing people but in the worst way. It robs you of your motivation and energy so your stuck here with nowhere to go.

This town is the deer on the road to keep you from going forward. Its the random tire slashing so you can't drive. It is the bad rain and wind storm keeping you in doors so you can't go anywhere. The poor construction so your telephone lines do not work well.

It is a cemetery that is slowly growing. Never satisfied with what it has always wanting more. A creative death sentence by something that has been killing for ages.

The good memories, the bad memories, they help remind me how I got where I am. Why I am who I am. Where I do and do not wish to be. A few months is what I told myself when I moved here. I'm questioning if I will survive the third month. As long as I maintain focus and keep my eye on my goal I should be ok. Put those memories in storage until I'm triumphant when I leave this town for good.


Current Mood: depressed
Wednesday, June 25th, 2008
10:56 pm
So far the year is sucking...
I should be angry. Angry at myself for hoping and being irresponsible in the past and being counter to what I wanted to be when I grew up. Angry at the fact my friend fought for 5 years to go out rather quickly. I should be pissed that the town that I hated and suffered through now has me back in its clasp. I can fake being OK with having to live here. I can fake being OK with my new job which will hold its own challenges but I doubt I will find pleasure working there.

So far this year two of the nicest people I knew were taken away. One by a stupid driver and the other with a long fight with cancer. So far the year has been kind of sucking.

I could write more but it would be futile. At this point I would just leave with a music video for a song I cherish.




Current Mood: depressed
Thursday, April 10th, 2008
6:46 pm
Lost in nevernever land..
It begins… or well it ends… Perhaps the statement should be it continues. What continues.. well everything. Life, liberty, pursuit of happiness. It’s a different sort of happiness I’m after and I’m achieving some measure of it.. How can that be one would ask knowing my perpetual pessimism? Well I’m reading a lot these days, which surprised me. It’s been a while since I’ve picked up a book and had trouble putting it down. Recently Tor books has been sending out free ebooks via their email list and I’ve acquired a few books. One of such was Mistborn which I started reading. I just kept reading and reading.. and before I knew it I realized I was completely hooked and my ipaq needed to charge soon. While reading an ebook on a small screen is not as equal to a good book in ones hand it does the trick. There is also a website called WOWIO.com which has free ebooks that you can download. You simply sign up and you can download 3per day. Each book has your name embedded in them and a 2page ad but you can skip past that.

So Mistborn… Sore Thumbs the Webcomic.. Pictures of you the webcomic.. Downloading new books each day.. It’s like being able to spend time with a lover that you have long since missed. When I was younger I used to read all the time. Retreat into books and ignore reality.. While I’m sure that will not happen again I do see myself spending more time reading.

Seriously though Pictures of You is an excellent web-comic. It’s writing is something I would aspire to do one of these days. Between that comic and Mistborn I don’t feel down at all regarding my car, which now has a flat tire. With my newfound books the fact someone entered my car and rummaged about but didn’t take anything doesn’t faze me that much. The rumor my work will be laying off people. Well still its nothing because its all stupid crap that shouldn’t matter to me. While the books are also meaningless stuff that shouldn’t matter it does matter a bit more than the petty things in life that I’ve struggled and dealt with over the past few months.

I could say things are looking up… but I know this is just a brief respite in what will be an upcoming storm. I know my attempts to game more with friends will not last too long. I know I will hit a wall with good books to read or I will encounter some trouble that will prevent me from reading as much as I wish. I know my car will die and I will be forced to get a different one or walk to work each day. I see the upcoming storm. I know what my future will hold. Still I pause from it all take in a deep breath and escape for just a bit into good works of written arts.

My childhood I spent literally months away in fantasy and books. It was not a vacation it was a lifestyle. Now I’m just taking a brief weekend trip to some land where I better understand what is petty in my life.

Current Mood: cheerful
Thursday, February 21st, 2008
4:20 am
Music can be a weapon but it could also save…
I’m crazy about music. Especially unknown and little bands. Sometimes even the quality of the music is meaningless if they are a small or unknown group. Why am I so nuts over unknowns? Well it is simple. A looong time ago in a galaxy far far away… There was this young man who was going through a rough time in his life. He heard a song online by a small and unknown band. The song Given Away by Beulah Purple. After trying to find out more about this band and contacting them a few times they disappeared off the net. The song was one of many things that helped keep me from going over the edge.

I went so far as to dig in the phone listings for Phoenix AZ to find a number for someone in their band. I got in touch with the lead singer Mark who informed me they had broken up due to tough times. Mark had a writing contract or something and they did not make music anymore.

These guys had something that inspired me. While some of their songs are goofy and weird they did have something that could have been great! Sadly I don’t think they got the support they needed to keep going or they just didn’t get their break. Lots of people try and fail. Those are the people who keep things moving forward. Many more people never try and always dream. Those are the people who are a part of the problem. I never want to hear about a band that I like to ever break up over something small like not enough fans or their break not happening. I wish for everyone to get their shot and if they make it GREAT! If they don’t then well…. They had their shot. I don’t think Beulah Purple had their shot. Another band Red Delicious I do not think had their shot either.

I support music I like and try to do what I can to help those people get their shot. Be it ranting and raving… creating a fanpage(as horrible as the page is) or making weird videos for them. Anything I can do to reduce the amount of manufactured pop-crap on the radio and TV.
Sunday, February 3rd, 2008
12:22 am
That special formula....
Once in a while bands hit that special sweet spot. their hook is catchy and style pop'ish enough to get major radio play. It is not rocket science but its hard for bands to hit that magical spot. Sometimes it boils down to simple luck or having the right sound at the right time. In 2003 a band called Revis released their debut CD called Places for Breathing. Either they had help or they were just right at hitting that sweet spot. their big hit was a song called " Caught in the Rain " and " Seven" Both are excellent songs. It was the song Caught in the Rain that hooked me in. After hearing the song Spin ( streaming sample here )I bought their CD.

It is one of the Few CD's I paid retail price for after hearing less than 3 songs. Usually I'm quite aggressive in hearing new music before I pay 15$ for something. Even more so regarding a band that is pretty pop'ish sounding. They were far enough away from the mainstream music at the time that I found myself liking them more and more despite some of their downfalls(many songs seem assisted regarding lyrics... and sometimes the vocals also seem produced somewhat. It could just be me and the fact most of their songs are under 3.5minutes....). While I'm not completely against pop music this was a kinda mix of pop and alt rock.

6 months after I bought the CD and enjoyed it thoroughly the band announced they broke up. So this CD is a snapshot into a life of 5 people. That brief amount of time where things just went right for them. Where they made a good CD that I doubt they will match in their lifetime. (two bands have formed with members of this band in it.. Robert Davis and Nathaniel Cox have formed a new band by the name of maryandi. Justin is with a new project called Aujalyn. Neither of them have I really gave much attention to)


I can see your inner motive
When you wear it on your face
Indesposed to the world
You won’t let yourself be saved


So spend a moment. Given them a listen. If you like them then enjoy this snapshot. If you find them too pop'ish/mainstream then look at it and know that people come and go but with recording the moment you can almost save that snapshot forever. Years from now when the band is loong forgotten I will listen to their CD and remember that moment when things just worked for them and they caught my ear. That moment passed the band members by. Whatever reason broke them up will be forgotten but this moment will always remain.... "Caught in the" memory of the listeners.
Thursday, January 24th, 2008
8:27 pm
Death and forever….
I do not know an easy way to state this. My ex-Girlfriend was killed in a car accident Saturday. While initially I was in shock I started going through several different phases. The disbelief was the first stage. I went to my computer and surfed the web to find the news article. Part of me thinking if I couldn’t find it then perhaps it was a dream or something. I found the reports though. Several different news sources had the info. Then came the part I really did not want to do. I had to call the parents and wish them the best also make sure they knew. Luckily for me they already knew and my simply sorry was enough for them as it was all I was really able to speak.

We were friends for a few months before we started dating. The dating thing kind of started off weird and perhaps we just rushed into something that neither of us was really after. We also worked together which in the past has been a no-no for myself. Too much of being near someone can overexpose and make one not want to spend time. Either way I am going off target here.

After accepting it and feeling sad for a bit my own defenses kicked in and I started making excuses. Things like “It was her fault as she was probably driving too fast” to “Probably rolled over due to her driving that ford suv she purchased” Anything in my own mind to avoid dealing with the fact that a friend is gone. It was at that point I decided I need to get some food and do errands so I hopped in my car without a second thought and occupied my mind for an hour. When I got home and I started eating I remembered the fried chicken she made one night… her being meticulous following cooking instructions. She would whip out her hand written card that had the recipe on it for whatever and start cooking following it step by step. The little things like that which separated us was part of the reason why I liked her. I never want to date someone exactly like my friends or me. I like different people. Someone that appeals to the different facets of my personality and life. I hate following directions for cooking. I don’t mind reading the basic stuff like temp to cook meat to but when something calls for 2tblespns of this and a cup of that…. Well I tend to gloss over that and mix stuff. It makes a dinner that is unique in itself. I will never make the same thing twice due to inaccurate measurement and my memory not being 100%. She however… would… Which was great and the food was always good.

Her breads she would bake.. and overall cheerfulness. She was nice to everyone I introduced her. She adapted into my group rather well. However she didn’t feel like she fit in with our gaming and such… Again the differences I liked but she thought it was too much for us to be together. Still I go off target…

Monday when I bought the local paper to snag a paper clipping I realized it wasn’t about how she died. It wasn’t about where or the fact she was going to visit her family like she always did each weekend. It wasn’t about me and my lack of feeling anything real towards her death. It was about the fact that a really nice person is no longer here. She was one of the people who did what she could to cheer people up. Be it a simple shoulder-neck massage or something silly like buying flowers or baking bread. She would smile almost all the time and she enjoyed laughing and life. A few of my coworkers knew her also. One from their daughter who worked next to her. The other was someone who had gotten a massage from her.

I could dare say I would label her a really Good person. Each person she came in contact with had their life improved either by a bit of happiness or something. Those who knew her lose out from possible future contact with her. Those who didn’t know her lose because they will never know her. Her family lost a daughter who was really special. Their future children lost out on an Aunt who would’ve been caring and absolutely amazing. I lost out on a friend who cared for me and didn’t run when she saw my scars nor did she give me any reason to put more on my body. My friends lost out on someone who did what they could to cheer and brighten their days up.

I lose.. You lose… we all lose. Then what is the point of playing?

Do a google search.. search for “why do bad things happen to good people” There are lots of answers depending on your faith and view on life. Ranging from “it’s better to burn out than fade away” to such things like “It is part of the lords plan”. There is no good answer. There is never a good answer.

I’ve driven CO highway 14 many times. I would even go as far as stating I’m an expect on the road. I could drive it in my sleep (I’ve driven it half asleep). I’ve dodged cattle, deer (sadly my success rate is rather low though), rabbits, cars, occasional tumbleweed and tons of other stuff. There are hundreds of worse spots for an accident. I know where she was hit. There is nothing dangerous about that intersection. It all boiled down to 2 factors. The party running the stop sign thought they could make it across the road in time and she wasn’t able to slow down quick enough to avoid them. Someone made a mistake and now several people are paying for it. One person paid a price that was too great. Hundreds that encountered Kathi or would’ve met her now also pay a price too.

Let this be a wakeup call to some people. It’s an easy statement. Drive Safely. It is a lesson I learned years ago when I hit a deer out in the middle of nowhere. The automobile is one of those things where a mistake can cost you a great deal. I’m not talking about money either. Living with the memory and guilt that you took a life is a heavy price to pay. The driver of the other truck will have to pay that price. Nothing we can do now will bring her back. Nothing will remove the sadness those that know her will feel the next time they encounter some homemade bread or a friendly shoulder massage.

She is gone and nothing I can do will change that. Never will I be able to say Goodbye or simply tell her thank you. I’ve tried everything already. Sent an email… tried calling her phone.. nothing. She is gone.

Yet still I try….

Goodbye Kathi Lightsey. While we have not spoken much in the past few months I will miss you more than I will admit it to myself or to others.

Current Mood: sad
Tuesday, January 8th, 2008
10:23 pm
Focus
Some promises are ment to be broken. Others are the hardest things you will ever keep. Ones made to yourself are the ones you should try to keep. For those are usually promises made in a moment of self reflection and self improvement is the goal behind such promise. Rarely is there a promise made to ones self that is self destructive.

I will stop smoking.

I will eat healthier.

I will value my body more and take care of it.

I will stop drinking myself into oblivion.

I will work for my happiness.

Such are the good promises that one can make.

I will party more.

I will enjoy life to the fullest no matter what.

I will be part of the XXX crowd by doing XXX.

There are thousands of promises one can make to ones self. Some are ment to be broken. Others are ment to be followed through. Its a tough decision.



A few months ago I told a friend who was having trouble in life with being overwhelmed with her reality. She was having trouble with school, work, family, and feeling lonly with noone to comfort her. I did my best and attempted to also give her some advice to get her on the right path. I told her to make a list of 10 things she wanted out of life. Placing things like college, house, stable family, debt free, or whatever else on the list. Then for her to ask herself is she wanted xxx more than yyy. Is College more important than having a house paid off by time she was 40? Was college more important than being debt free? Was an online game more important than college. I hoped that by making such a list she could see what was important in her life and what she could focus on.

I rarely take my own advice. No matter how good it is or how well thoughtout it is I usually do not use it. The list though I did take to heart. I made a list of important things in my life that I want to keep or have. It is a simple list. 1. Family. 2. Friends. 3. Published. 4. Remembered. 5. A car that runs and is fun to drive.

While some of the things are kinda vague it gives me leeway as some things are on the same level. For example Family. I want a family of my own but I do not want to give up contact or easy access to my current family. This means that I do not want to move far away from them but I do not want to restrict myself to just them. There are some things that I can achive but I must keep focus on it. Like the Car that is fun to drive and runs. That requires money. Money requires time invested in working or in a project that will generate revenue. Getting published would work towards that end but I am unsure if I want to be published due to the desire for fame-fortune or if I just want to be heard. My current writings and stuff point to the need to be heard part which is counter to when I was younger when I did not want to be noticed. I wanted to fade in the background. I did not want to be remembered. For the most part I dont think I am by the majority of people who I encounter.

So I promised myself that I will maintain focus. I've broken a few promises to myself in the past and many of them were horrible things to promise in the first place. This promise I believe is something I can achieve. It is something that I believe will better me as a person.

Must keep focused. Let other things fade in to the background. Work on letting my past be the past.

Current Mood: mellow
Monday, December 3rd, 2007
10:16 am
Gambling and the pursuit of Happiness...
So for the first time in 7 years I decided I would take a vacation. I had been planning it for the past few months. There is this girl.. Isn't that always how it starts though? I thought I approached it a bit more level headed this time. Either way theres this girl that I met online. We've been friends for 2 year and have talked quite a bit. She's always tried to get me to visit but never would she allow me to nail down a date. Well due to my frequent flyer miles expiring I was able to make her nail down a date. Nov 29th- Dec 3rd. 3.5days to spend with someone and see if we were compatible and see how things work out. It was a fun weekend. If we will work out I do not know. I held back so much because this has a few blocks in front of it. 1. She lives 630miles away from me and I do not want to move. 2. She is currently going to College in Las Vegas and had a year or two to finish. 3. She is buying a condo here also. 4. Overall the relationship needs more time.

So will it work.. I'm not sure.. Either way as I sit at the airport pondering the future wasting time in the airport. For fun here is a link ...
http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&time=&date=&ttype=&q=mcclarren+airport+las+vegas&ie=UTF8&ll=36.08039,-115.142899&spn=0.029065,0.048237&t=h&z=14&om=1

I got to see part of the strip which was somewhat fun. Since I did not bring a large amount of spending money was not able to do much... Also due to the rain couldn't just walk along the strip. Got to watch some anime and get reminded how prudish Colorado seems. Alcohol being sold in grocery stores.. Places like Albertsons selling Rum and such along with wine next to thier milk. Just about anywhere that would sell a lotto ticket also has slot machines. Tons of people, smog, dust in the air, and construction.

While hanging out in a airport does not seem like the ideal way to entertain yourself... I have so far found it fun. Watching people hurry to and fro... Each person has a story.. each has a theme.. You have the families reuniting... the business people who maintain thier focus.. Kids frightened yet excited about the trip.. college students and people in thier 20's heading off to whereever. Couples going on vacations. a thousand little tales could be told in a single airport for each day. I wonder if a book series would be fitting. The only thing that would stay the same would be the local which would be the airport. Then each book would be the person's tale as they enter, check-in, and leave the airport. A few minor characters would be the employees at the airport but each book would be in itself an enclosed story. It would probably be a rather short book aprox 150pages. Would be more suited to a television series but I doubt it would get much viewership... hm... I think there is a series about an airport already but it focuses on the workers there not so much the thousands of random people.

A few of my friends were surprised this was my first plane trip. In the past I never had the need or money to really fly anywhere. I love Colorado too much to really leave it often and never really had the money to do much anyways. Sometimes I fear though my confidence in mechanicial engineering will fail. I know the planes dispite how heavy and bulky they look are built to stay up in the air. I understand the physics of it. I trust the machine. Just like I trusted my Chevy Cavalier car which I drove extensively throughout the mountains sometimes at speeds not considered safe. The car is built to protect and get you to your destination. The plane is the same way. One must have some faith at times in the various things in life. Be it faith in God, Love, Ability, or the laws of physics.

I dont know what else I can really say. I'm tempted to take pictures of the airport terminal. I did not take any other pictures while I was here. It rained on the strip and I did not want to chance getting my camera wet. The girl I came to visit was camera shy.. So I could take pictures of random people who shared my little bit of time in the airport. They may not know it or truly realize it but this is an expierence I do not want to forget. For I can harvest it for years for character ideas and images of people for a story.

Perhaps the next time I take a short vacation I will just hang out at the airport. Its a goldmine waiting for someone to collect.
Wednesday, November 14th, 2007
2:28 am
blah....
So November is the national Novel writing month or something along those lines. I had something planned but never acted on it. The month is half gone and I have nothing written. I haven’t even been in the mood to write for my character for a D&D game. I do admit though a friend made a book of the campaign and used writings from various people to put it together and it was really cool. I think that would be the ultimate expression I would love for my players in my game to show. Perhaps at least to take more part in the game outside of the game. But eh.. can’t have everything.

I’m pondering the idea of running a D&D game on Tuesday nights. One thing that I have been missing is the lack of gaming recently. It used to be Saturday and Sunday were gaming days. We got through a lot of stuff and I had lots of fun. Now it’s only been Saturday for quite a while. Perhaps by hosting a small session for 4 hours on Tuesday nights would help pick people back up. Also I could dominate the Tuesday night slot and I would be able to run my game once a week while on the weekend people would have to wait 3-4weeks for the next session.

I tried introducing a block format to the group but that apparently was not well thought of or people just did not think about it. We are back to single sessions. The original idea of a block format was to have 2 sessions back to back so a DM could plan 2 sessions together and with only a few days between session 1 and 2 people would still be in the right frame of mind to play their character again. But with Jay and ammon wanting to do their games again just kinda threw a wrench into the plan. Seriously though 4 different games… ug.. So I decided to end my campaign early. The next session should complete it or kill the group depending on if they do stupid stuff or if they work together. I dislike killing off players but sometimes well… shit happens.

For random bits…

My car got finally running a few weeks ago. I ended up having to buy an alternator from Checker and putting it in. Also in my attempt to fix my car I killed my battery so had to replace it along with a fuse. Overall I still spent less than what it would’ve cost to have a repair shop fix it but I wasted a lot of time on it. Plus the car sitting for a year did not help it overall.

The transmission is still giving me trouble. I took it to a transmission place to get the filter cleaned and changed plus get fluid completely exchanged but they opened it up and said they did not want to touch it and that the transmission was too far gone to save. So I’m driving it still until it completely dies. For a free car from my dad I do appreciate it but sometimes I wish I would’ve gotten something different or paid more attention to my dad when he and friends were working on cars. I imagine I would then know a bit more about cars but I probably would’ve also taken up drinking earlier and other possible activities.

My car runs and is legal, I’m employed and have a roof over my head, I have supportive friends and family, I am not starving and I have Internet access. In the grand scheme of things I’m doing well…. Then why am I not happy? It’s not even content anymore. We are gaming less, hanging out less, playing World of Warcraft more, and overall I feel my life has become less overall.

A black hole of suck that is slowly stealing my life, creativity, and time. I think it has been heading this direction for quite a while. One does not get inspired by medocricity. One does not find a muse in bland. On the edge is where I need to be. Emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. Perhaps I should drop my World of Warcraft subscription, save up a bit of cash and buy me an old guitar. Play horrible music until people catch onto my style of crap and then play seedy bars and clubs until I die of alcoholism at the age of 44 like my second cousin Joey. Despite his troubles and difficulties I never heard a word of regret from him. I’m certain his daughters would say differently..

Got to see Henry Rollins live in Denver. I find myself liking his Spoken word more and more and his music less and less. Have caught two local shows of Improv. For someone who I only caught one song back at New West Fest I consider myself lucky.. I really like his music and the general message he sends with it. I’m hoping Whiskey Blanket does a show soon nearby. Would love to see what their full set would be like. I say all this while listening to Korn and one of John Davis’s interesting songs. Forsaken which he wrote for the Queen of the Damned soundtrack.

Where there is turbulence there is inspiration. Where there is a path of no resistance there is still a muse hiding. One must learn to seek the muse during those moments of peace.
1:54 am
random stuff..
A band called Otep stated God is a gun. The lyrics astound me. Let me share.


“The lord is my weapon, and I see him shoot pawns, Woman is the devil, God is a Gun, Everyone you knew, everything you’ve ever done, Suffer for your freedom, or die by the law.”


I do not know if I could truly express Otep in words. The growling, and the screams, grutter’ish roars from the lead singer just captures my attention. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1aG3MHHW4u8 is the song, or perhaps check out the poetry that she does on Def poetry… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l95rbCvxqJ0

It is possible that the lyrics and music will pass right by you. Much of what I would say would just not be caught by the web of reality that surrounds you.

Deny nothing, accept everything…




Broken landscapes across masses
Rough edges and bumpy asphalt
Razor blades and shattered futures
Broken dreams a beverage of malt
Beverage so refreshing

Thick and black it will run
Growing slower every moment
The beginnings small like a seed
Growing each moment an exponent
An avalanche from a snowflake

A pure moment wasted by worry
Live changing moment held back
Lies written upon a tapestries
Moments glorifying what I lack
My mistakes forever with me



I once imagined that around each person there is this sticky invisible web. Their reality was defined by what was caught in that web. Be it friends, jobs, family, or hardships. The stickier your web the more crap that got stuck to it. If you had a web that was not so sticky then your reality did not contain a lot of crap. How ever it made important things not stick either. You either have to have the crap to have the important things or you have to ignore the crap and not get some of the important things. How you deal with the crap is your own issue. It was an All or nothing type of reality with no compromises. I know it’s a horrible delusion but for a few moments I caught onto it. I thought to myself how good would my life be without all the crap. Where would it be if I just ignored and coasted? What would things be if I didn’t let stuff get to me? Yeah like that will ever happen.

My life has become a life of nothing. I ignore lots and I avoid that which I want. I’m taking a trip to Las Vegas to meet up with a friend. A friend who’s a girl. Someone whom I do like but I’m not sure if it will be anything more than friendship. Part of me is holding back everything because as the movie “Italian Job” said, “I had a bad experience” So I do not have my hopes up. I am not really even looking forward to it. I find myself thinking I could just stay home and sleep, watch movies and have just as much fun. I know now looking back that it is just my mind trying to prepare itself for the worst possibilities.

My mind has overanalyzed the situation many times before. It boils down to 3 paths. 1. I visit and we become more than friends and decide we want to pursue this. 2. I visit and we stay friends because we just are too different. 3. I visit and I like her but she not me and I end up trying to woo or end up pining over yet another girl. There is a 4th option, which I dare not mention. It’s a repeat of what happened when I visited South Carolina. That option I do not want to think about. It involves possibilities that are rather distant and the idea of what would happen afterwards worries me.

I keep telling myself I’m a stronger person. I’m more of a complete person. Stability is now a theme that I have added to my life. Deep down I know I am not a strong person. I know my weaknesses. I know my faults and where and when I will fail. Like a flawed steel bar that will break when stressed a certain way I know which way will force that break. I know the consequences. I know the limits. Yet I am placing myself in the position of being tested and finding out what things could be simply because I can no longer take a relationship even a friendship that hints at something deeper any longer. I did that with another girl and spent years wanting and being a good friend but never expressing my interest in being something more. So it is either All or friendship.

On the home front I’m preparing myself for multiple endings. I’m taking mostly cheery music and stuff to avoid making depression even worse if it does happen. I’ve thought about telling my worries to someone but that would do nothing but make someone else worry. Ultimately I will be alone this venture. Alone the plane trip there. Alone waiting at the airport.. and alone again at the airport and the flight back. Of which I’ve never flown before. Luckily since my mind is worried about other things it has not even bugged me yet. I imagine I wont even notice as my hopes will be rising and rising once I do get to the airport.

“What happens in Vegas, Stays in Vegas”

That motto scares me. Its not the decadence, its not the crime, its not even the lifestyle that Vegas promotes. Its me worrying that my mind will latch onto that phrase in a moment of weakness and I would not be returning. Now I know that is a rare possibility but hey this is the moment where I am examining them why not ponder the worst-case scenario. Wait… Getting heartbroken is not a worse case scenario… That would be more of a medium… Worst case would be both of us falling truly, madly, deeply, then having to decide where to go from there. Either she moves to Colorado, I move to Vegas, or we both move to a city that we choose so we both give up equal parts in order to be together. The second and third option means I give up my friends, family, and job for someone. Which is a hefty price to pay. The middle scenario would be getting heartbroken. The type that country music songs sing about. The type that crushes someone’s soul and leaves nothing behind. Again I tell myself I’m stronger now. If that is true then why am I worried? Why do I constantly think of something else except this trip? Why does it take a large amount of alcohol for me to admit this?

Worried…. I’m scared. This could be the best moment of my life, it could be one of the worst moments, and I’m worried this could also be the last.

Perhaps with luck the plane will get damaged and wont be able to take off so I will have an excuse to put it off forever.
12:39 am
I got some....
I got some…

“all I care about right now is how good the set it response of tonight’s crowd the sound is effective”

Not in the way that anyone here would really expect. No I’m not taking about scoring, or getting laid, or any of the other juvenile references. I’m talking metaphorically. I went to a live show Sunday night. The local nightlife magazine “the Scene” was hosting a Battle of the bands. A rapper that I enjoy listening to “Improv” was playing there. I figured I would go and show him some support because him being a white rapper in a city like Fort Collins must be tough. I dragged a coworker along and paid my door fee right before he got on stage. This battle of the bands had started at 4pm. I roll in at 9pm because the other acts I didn’t know and didn’t want to stand through hours of stuff to catch Improv.

“support underground artists independent labels.”

He popped on and I knew it was gonna be a tough night for him. There was only 15 people standing and watching. Part of me felt sorry for him and I almost went up to the stage but I kept myself back near the back because that’s how I am. I hang in the back watching and soaking it all up. I could almost state that I am a voyeur when I listen to music. Never to participate but always watching.

“It doesn’t matter if the crowd is 15 or 200 ”

Improv did his thing. As usual he is on the ball and doesn’t let the low crowd phase him. He went up and gave it 100%. Small twist he whipped out some freestyles which was also cool. Even after his mp3 player that he used to pump in the beats got an error he kept on going and still worked in more songs. While it didn’t go as smoothly as it could’ve he yet again showed me why I listen to him. He gives it 110%. Other people would’ve saw the low crowd and been like bah fuck this and only gave a little bit of effort. They would’ve seen the sound difficulties as a sign and cut their act short or let it completely stop the show. The set was…

Bare Witness
Lazy
Down Girl
A Beautiful Thing
Why I Do This
I Call Your Bluff
A Balanced Life
Inner-World Blues
Angel
Yollo

Now on the Grace CD it has Inner-World Blues. I call Your Bluff and Inner-world Blues and lazy and I think one other I heard that last time I saw him open for Flo-Bot.

Now why do I say that I got some… Well its different with me. Not only did I get to see an act live that I truly enjoy, not only did I get to meet him and at least tell him I thought he was the shit, but I got to also listen to another band called Vices I admire. This band while at times I Could not understand the music their lyrics caught me. Enough that I was interested in spending 5$ on a 6song disc.

I got some in regards to supporting someone I want to see succeed, encouraging him, and got introduced to another band.
So I say check him out. Next time he plays nearby you show him some support.

http://www.myspace.com/improvmusic


The new band is called Vices I admire.


http://www.myspace.com/vicesiadmire


The crowd grew for Vices and was really into it. Perhaps they were just a popular local band or the fact that they play rock was something the crowd could get into. I’m thinking it is both.



As for Improv… I hope he does well. I will keep watching his shows. Any support that I can give him I will. I just wish more would give him a chance.

Current Mood: artistic
Tuesday, August 14th, 2007
10:12 am
life and times of the really poor
Reality
I hate being broke. There is only so much ramen, potatoes, and eggs one can eat. I finally broke down and went to donate plasma for money, which I didn’t do in the past because I hate needs and being self conscious of my arms. But I get there and find out that eating a fatty meal the night before or a few hours before throws the fat content of your plasma up and they don’t want it. Ha. Until payday I cannot afford anything else to eat besides the potatoes, ramen, and eggs that I had. So I couldn’t donate because I bought cheap food to last me. Eh I guess it figures. Luckily Friday the 17th I get paid. I will probably still donate because its extra money I could use. Just need to not make a habit of it. I’ve heard of people who went often and they ended up with scars where they put the needle. While I’m not against scars I don’t want my arms looking like I’m some ex heroin addict. Which I find funny as it is one of my hypocrite moments.

Fantasy
Other than looking for a different job not a lot new. Been running my D&D game and the group has grown really big. I’ve tried to work around it by throwing tougher than usual creatures at the group. For the most part it works but some of the players get mad as they get really high Armor Class (ac) and they are still getting hit. Basically with the D20 system high AC is good however some monsters have a high +hit and it allows them to hit high AC’s on a lucky roll. Since I use a computer program called DM genie (www.dmgenie.com) it randomly generates the dice rolls for me. Still some people would get hit. While one player’s frustration I understand but he choose a big melee character that can take the hits while if the creatures attacked other people it would kill most of the group. While I guess this could mean I should tone down the encounters more for the group however with the size of the group it would make things too easy for them. It is rare we have a combat that goes longer than 2 rounds unless I throw something big at the group or something really tactical and intelligent (Improved Invisible flying mage who would cast spells then move or a elite group of fighters who worked together and used formations) I’ve tried to make different sessions so each character has a moment to shine. With a large group (about 10 people) it makes it more difficult. When I first ran my game so many years ago I was happy to have 4 people now it’s the flip side. The gaming group is starved for some D&D and the new blood also adds do the desire. While I doubt I will split my gaming group (though without splitting up it means that any D&D session will end up with almost 10 people so it is something that will continue for a while). I’ve suggested doing a Tuesday night Gaming thing for a few hours. Perhaps do Settlers of Catan, introduce people to Battletech, or Mechwarrior. A 4-6hr block on Tuesday night would allow lots of time for whatever game choice was made. Even a day to get together and hangout would also work. However World of Warcraft dominates our sessions as it dominates the MMORPG world. The larger group makes people losing focus all too easy. Perhaps the solution would be to start portioning a larger % of exp to those who stay focused and in character One of the reasons people seem to like Rifts system is due to the fact exp is not 90% from combat. I think I will do that in my next session, which will be a few weeks away. I’ve also talked to DC the only other GM at the moment that is running into doing block scheduling. I’ve wanted to try it out as running a game then waiting two weeks for the next session I didn’t like. However running a game then running another game next week would allow a GM time to prepare for 2 sessions back to back. It would also allow less time in between sessions for people to forget plot and such. Hopefully it works out well. Hopefully we can come up with something to do on Tuesday nights rather than just playing World of Warcraft. I wonder if a Tuesday night Barbeque /hangout would be something.

Future
The other day I had an idea about a futuristic society where a corporation comes up with a little pda like device that networks with others like it and connects to the ‘net. It would be a little implant that would fit behind your ear and a tiny LCD screen dropped on your eye like a contact lens. Make it something of a murder mystery but towards the end the focus character would discover that the pda things have achieved consciousness. A singularity of sorts like other sci-fi novels has.

Another idea was about a young man who transcends and it would explore the idea of evolution. However I keep hitting a wall with both ideas… eh.. figures doesn’t it.

“A friend in need is a friend in deed
a friend who bleeds is better
My friend confessed she passed the test and we will never sever”

Nothing like a song about heroin use to soothe the soul.
Wednesday, July 25th, 2007
12:09 pm
Busy busy busy....
Self delusion is a wonderful thing. Sometimes I wish I could wrap myself up in it and never find out it is incorrect. A brief example. Last weekend I moved. It was a short distance of 250feet. I figured I could move all my stuff by hand and because I did not have the money to fund a deposit for a truck. So a good portion of my stuff I moved by hand. Walking back and forth carring a bag or two strapped to my back and objects of various size and weight in my hands. It sucked. What made it worse was I worked friday and saturday morning. Then had my D&D game Saturday night. Highlight of the move was me carrying two 19" monitors and it sucking a lot. Saturday my roommate Shawn asked me to call a friend Eddie. I was like na.. You call him if you want. He called him over and he helped a little bit before my game. Then sunday afternoon I realized that self delusion was not going to keep me moving and get this move done. I called up Eddie and beg'd for his help which he did. A few hours later 95% of the stuff was moved. All that was left for monday was the cleaning and random bits and odds left at the old place.

I guess I should start from the begining.. I decided to stay in Fort Collins. It is more than just friends. Tracy the mother of my neice and nephew plans on moving up to Greeley/Ault area. Possible Fort Collins. So I want to be a part of thier lives and staying would be best. Also the idea of my friend moving to middle of nowhere nebraska where most likly I would never see him again did not sound enticing. So I decided I would stay and get a apt with Shawn. While I do not like living with Shawn that much the alternative was worse. So several factors added up and I stayed.. Part of me was really looking forward to the idea of taking a month off but eh. Since I've started working at Directech my days and nights have been filled with work, sleep, and heading to work. Now and then there was a brief moment of Gaming, World of Warcraft, and going out with friends. With the move I canceled my internet and figured a month to catch up on bills would be helpful.

Somehow after the move and the cleaning I do not think we will get much of our dep back. We did not clean as much as we should've and the up stairs bathtub has finally clogged up dispite our attempts to dump draino down it. So a dep of 850 and prorated rent that we did not use should equal 1050 or so. I expect to get back 600 which would mean 200 to each of us. Which will help some for August. Among the things that I moved was my car. My orginal idea of pushing it over to the new place in the middle of the night was replaced with asking Eddie to tow it over. He had the towing ability and I had the tow rope(Never a good sign when you get a cheap car that it comes with a Tow rope). We hooked them up and he towed me over. I'm just going to buy a damn alternator for it. Waiting around for a cheap on to pop up at a junk yard has taken too long and been too much of a issue.

Other than seeking another job that either pays more or has a better working environment not a lot is new. Sometimes just surviving is not enough. Other times it is enough. The next two months will tell me what is coming and how I deal with it will be probably how I will deal with things over the next year. Winter is coming. Time to huddle up and keep warm. Like an animal hording food in preperation I'm hording good moments and memories.
Wednesday, June 6th, 2007
3:27 am
Smashing Pumpkins streaming concert..
I've always been a pumpkins fan since Mellon Collie.. There is a streaming vid of them in concert.. or the remaining members and Corgan..

http://www.thepumpkins.net/performances/performance_-_rock_am_ring_07.html
3:19 am
rhetorical diarrhea
So I'm umemployed for the time being. The choice I have to make in July is becoming more apparent. To go back home and spend more time with my family, to cast adrift and find residence elsewhere or to struggle for what I have and stay. All hold thier appeal. While I can say that I am content with where I'm at not it really isn't happiness. Sometimes it is rather lonely. To cast myself adrift I could direct that to go somewhere near where I could find out if I have a chance at not being lonely. The return to my hometown would also allow me to see if there is any sparks left in an old friendship and if that would grow into something more. Hometown also has family and my neice and nephew who I miss dearly. Each pulls at me in a different direction. While happiness is something I may never achieve the thought of pursueing a dream again scares me as the last time I chased after a dream almost ended a sad tale. I'm sure I wrote about it previously. However there have been other ladies I've cared about and lost touch and it hurts a little to lose someone I care about be it friend or more due to nothing more than distance... I even have an old birthday card from someone who mailed it 2 months too early because I never told them the exact date. The more that I hang onto things or try to keep them nearby the more it hurts when they leave. Perhaps that is the key to why I keep so few material possessions.

"Someone's calling out telling me to live another lie... Trying hard to change the way I live.."

A few years ago when I was feeling really down I pondered the idea of just not renewing a lease and telling everyone I was heading back to my parents place. The goal was to sever all ties and call it quits. A simple note and thats it. Then well.. I never pondered the next step but I know what it would've been. I'm more stable now or at least I would like to think that I am. A friend once described thier taking prescribed pills as something they hated but it gave them "breathing room". It kept them above what was wrong but not so high up that they did not see it still lurking there. That is what I could say about the past year and half. It has given me some breathing room. While it is not really a fix or a cure it is a way of survival. What is the point of surviving if you keep a barrier between yourself and reality? When I was fired friday I wasn't angry at my employer. I wasn't angry at my supervisor. I wasn't angry at all. The first thought on my mind was my scheduled callback that I had with some customers. Who was going to deal with that? Was my promise to them broken because I can no longer operate in the duties that I had? A long time ago I defined a mental state that I would shift into and labeled it "work mode". It placed a barrier around my emotions and I would not allow myself to feel much of anything as long as I was at work. Because the customers do not care if you've had a bad day. It was easy. Just allow a fake but quick smile to appear when you saw people. Look at them in thier eyes and occasionally act distracted. Keep to yourself and focus on something else. Perhaps music to block out background noise. I remember something like it from school. Reading a book to focus on and ignore whatever it was going on around me. Be it ridcule or taunting it was nothing that would concern me as long as I had an escape.

"They don't see my smile when I choose to live the way I do."

So friday I felt nothing except worry about a job duty that was no longer my responcibility. It took effort to copy some work emails to my yahoo account so I could save them. The thought that the address I've had for the past 6.5 years was no longer going to be there. I woke up monday morning with the first thought on my mind of heading to work. I'm going to miss the place.

But living life with something filtering or buffering reality and emotions is not a way to live. Years of suppression for my emotions and thoughts during school, work, or whatever. I do not wish to be in "work mode" anymore. The breathing room is nice but I do not want that either. I've become what I did not wish to be in the name of survival. Is this really living? I could've done all the same things over the past few years almost the same. Would my outcome have been different? I do not know. Would I have still taken a moment during a party to tell everyone there my reason for hiding my birthday was due to a sucidal promise made years ago? I doubt I would've. Who Am I? Not a good question to ask when your almost 30.


"I'm not your pain, I'm not your salvation, nor am I your happiness. I am your end. I am your begining. I am you."

What the future will bring I do not know. Know that it was not impulsive nor was it something forced. This has been something I've been planning for a while to do. I need to make a change and have been giving it lots of thought. Sacrifices will need to be made but hey what progress was ever done without something being sacrificed?



Current Mood: depressed
3:06 am
On a different note..... as I change the music....
My D&D campaign continues. In some cases it is progressing quicker than I expected and in other cases I'm rather glad. I plan side encounteres and such for the group to get pulled into as I try to flesh out my world even more. Be it a village with a horrible secret or a city built with evil design. A bandit with a history and a golden heart but a greedy mind. So many little details I want to put in there but never get placed for whatever reason. Sometimes the group seems to think that EVERYTHING is connected to their quest and will pursue it so I throw them a bone now and then. Sometimes I connect the story so it fits for them and make connections that were not there. Either way the main storyline of the plot is some of the followers for an evil deity of Fire start up a cult that worship "the light" and they create an artifact of immense power. This staff can call upon a global iceage on the world. Thier thinking is with the world covered in ice everyone will worship or flock to the places where the ice was held at bay. It works too. Man has always been enticed by the flame. The power, destructiveness, and the mysticism of the dancing flame. My previous campaign also worked around religious followers who were misguided but it was a corruption of the cult not the whole cult itself. This one is a whole cult based and created for the sole purpose of spreading the word and getting more people enticed by the flame. Only the top few know its worship of the evil fire god. Frued would say I have issues with authority and religion but I disagree.

I look at a mythological world and imagine being connected to your deity like we are with livejournal. Such communication would inspire acts of devotion and crusades. Imagine you could call upon a divine being and feel them channel through you thier power. Be it for healing or be it to smite thier foes. I see it as an addict at times. These followers seeking how to glorify thier god more as they gain more themselves. Pride, Greed, Corruption, and Ambition. It comes in many flavors and good people try to avoid it. At times it will overcome them and they will seek piety. I set my campaigns around them not because I have issues with the church or authority figures in a spiritual sense(well I could go more into that.. but its not in this case) but the tempation I see inside my own self. The faults and failings of my own mind and soul as I ponder and think about various things. The plotting and snide comments that go on in my head as a part of me wants more and more. We all suffer from those faults only the weakest follow them or pursue them. Strong men reign them and control them like a coachman and 4 mad horses pulling a carriage that is his soul.

I was telling a friend the plotline and our conversation went...

Him "You should make a book out of that."
me "Out of what?"
"The plot its kinda cool."
"but it seems predictible."
"to you but not to some random person."
"I do admit the idea of a cult to a evil fire god bringing an ice age to get people to worship him is a bit of a stretch but the rest of it.."
"Who cares you should write a book about it"

A book about a Man, woman, Kobold and evuantally a Minotaur chasing after a quest that in the begining seems impossible then as they go on they find it quite possible. They encounter powerful beings who focused on thier own plans at the moment overlook them or do not give them the respect they deserve so fall to them. I guess I could see it. Do not know if my group would appreciate it. Orginally my idea was to flesh out things in the world so I could write a book focused on someone else. Using character's I've already delevoped. I was going to have a multilayed universe. Several parallel dimensions and my fantasy world was where people would be thrust into. One was a survivor of a school shooting, another is a survivor to an atomic bomb dropping nearby, another was 2 friends who when reality rippled due to the mass killings and the bomb exploding they got sucked in through that, and the final was going to be a little girl who grew up in the fantasy world and survived the beatings her father did to her mother and well... Basicly 5 people whos lives entertwin. They will meet with each other sometimes as friends other times as foes. Some as powerful casters others as masters of melee arts. It is something I've been working on since I was 13. The first story was the school shooting story which when I wrote it and presented it I got a "creative imagination and good work but need to focus on structure and sentencing" note written on it. My how things have changed since I was a teen. The young girl story got my a question on if my family was ok and if my father did beat my mom but got a pat on the back when I told them it was entirely fiction.

I wanted to flesh out my world so while writing the story if I wanted something in the background I could easly add it. Perhaps a bard singing about a dwarf named Grenwalis and his wierd friend saving a town from a mage who thirsted for blood and power which to him were one and the same. Perhaps have the player group in the background of a bar discussing things and the main characters thinking, 'hmm... trouble tonight perhaps it would be best to leave town'. I never intended for my players to be the main characters. Perhaps I will have to review this paradigm. It wont change what I have planned yet but could make for interesting possibilities. It would be an interesting twist...

WHAT A TWIST!



for the characters I already delevoped to become the side characters/background noise and my "Extras" to be the new stars. Saturday I run my game. I've had this next session planned for a while. Overall I have an Idea or an "arc" of where I want the story to go. Sometimes I will generate character stats for npc's and equipment, spells, skills, and tons of other stuff I never use in preparation. Othertimes I will focus on a single idea or thought that I want each to have and just do that. An example was a while ago I wanted a high level fighter with a retalition like ability to strike anyone who struck him. So I just made up some hp and attack bonus. Then gave him a weapon and let it sit at that. Who cares if he didnt have all the feats he could've had they would not have been used. Another example is I wanted a grappling Drow fighter who would drop from the ceiling grab a foe, grapple, then take them somewhere that he can either lock up or deal with personally. Work out the details I need and forget about the rest. If it is just going to be filler why bother? Some random patrol of guys to stop or push the group for a hasty exit out of town.. Random things like that. This next session has lots of those. Fighters who focus on sheilds, Clerics who focus on pain and elemental stuff, mages who go for common spells. The group has lots of fighting left to go through to reach thier objective.. What is thier objective you ask.. well if you would visit my dnd.kasmiur.net site you would be able to read more about it. What I did was I found a picture of anime Scythes a long time ago.. I cannot remember where or what they are from. I took one of the scythes and made it a staff and came up with an idea to break it up. What better way to keep your plan of world conquest from failing than by taking the object that would reverse the process and seperating it from its other pieces. What they did not realize was this artifact of power would want to be reformed so it aquired a new ability. Orginally I was hestitant to give my group this object of power even in little pieces but so far it has worked out.



Cool looking staff I thought. I broke it up into pieces.


It also has 5 little Ion stones that swirl around the top like little orbiting moons. Each glowing with a slightly different tint of blue. Now why do you ask didnt they just give it to a powerful member or something? Well a few reason. Corruption is one, Pride another, and they broke it apart because this staff of cold is a anathema to them. How can you truly exalt yourself in the power and purity of the flame from your god when you hold or possess a powerful staff of cold? Pride in the creation and hating to see such a powerful item to be wasted and corruption in that to destory it would remove a possible way to put down a upstart priest who had more ambition than you. Ah.. the dark heart and desires of a man's soul.. How do I know thee..

Predictible I think so.. To an outsider perhaps not. Would it make a good story.. well who knows. It would be something interesting to work on. But alas tis late and I must sleep now. Stayed up too late as it stands.

To those who may ask.. How am I.. well.. I'm alive, I'm stable, and I have some breathing room. While I hate parts of it I understand I should take full advantage now. Someday I wont have the space I need and I would be just one crushed dream from a break down. I've prepared myself for events that will happen and am preparing for the course of action I will take. Whatever will happen I know I will survive. I just dont know if I will be able to accept that survival and be content with it.

Long time ago I caught thier song Casaulties and have since enjoyed it.. Its a sad song.. but eh.. http://www.myspace.com/reddelicioustheband
"Don't come to me, For happiness, I'm an open pit, And you will just fall in"
"Don't ask me, What my problem is, I wouldn't know, Where to begin"

Current Mood: blah
Thursday, May 24th, 2007
2:12 am
Home is where the heart is.. what if you lost that?
I moved a lot when I was young. Due to various reasons it seemed like we moved once every year and half. When I hit my teens it finally stopped when through a federal program my mom was able to get a loan for her little house which she has lived in now for almost 14 years. Moving is something I was used to. I imagine it helped make me as anti-pack-rat as I am now where I get rid of just about anything I have used in a year. It is hard to define a home when it was something that changed so often. I imagine there are deeper issues also at stake here but its not the time nor place.

Do you need some time...on your own


Over the weekend I went to the store and I saw parked at a church a Nissan stationwagon. I saw a sign on it so I approached it thinking it was for sale. Never turn down a good deal I guess was my thinking. The sign posted on the windows was not a forsale sign.

"If this car is not moved by May 21st we will tow it at owners expense."

Do you need some time...all alone

Must've been there for a while for even the charity of the church to be tested. Inside the car it was packed full of stuff. TV, boxes, bags with what I would guess clothes, and a small childs toy. Suddently my mind brought forth the idea that this car belonged to a young child and thier parent. Thier home lost now they live out of the car and for some reason they parked at this church and the car remains but they do not. Did they find help? Did they find a solution or salvation at this church? My mind runs through the possibilities. Did the mother or father get in trouble with the law and thrown in jail for a few days? What a horrible story it would be the child and father trying to move to start a new life and the dad getting arrested for something stupid like lost his wallet and broke some law and was arrested since he couldn't give his identification for them. Perhaps held in jail due to an outstanding warret because he didn't pay that speeding ticket 3 years ago. The smaller the infraction the greater the tragedy.

Everybody needs some time...on their own


So a few days in jail. The child held by child services. The dad gets released and he gets his kid. However when they go back to thier home on wheels they find it gone. Long since towed away. A tale of a home as broken as it was and as pathetic as it could be still stolen from these two. It was a story that I could relate to.


Don't you know you need some time...all alone

My mind always thinks up worse case senario rather than a possible happy or positive scene. They say it is a human natural response that we conjure up such first. It was the way we survived by imagining the worst case and then preparing for it. Would man never have evolved if we all were postive and only optimistic?

The car is gone. The story still remains as it will remain for many. If it is a sad tale of someone losing thier home or if it was just someone parking thier broken car somewhere I wont know. Try as I might I cannot get rid of the idea nor the picture my mind has conjured attaching itself to the thought. A picture of a young girl crying at the loss of her toy and her home. The image of a man trying to keep strong as yet another setback robs him and his daughter of thier only worldly possessions. It is that picture that haunts me when I sleep.


The other day my supervisor asked me why I was down. I did not feel down but he said my tone through the day was that I was. I told him even if something was bugging me I wouldn't discuss it with him simply because I try to seperate work from life. He understood but was worried. Bah. The last thing I want is to be someones pity project.

The lyrics to November haunt me when I wake and I think of someone I care about.  How much time alone does someone need?

Current Mood: gloomy
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
11:09 pm
The day star.. it burrrrrnns us!
So the Finest had thier big CD sale. This year instead of .50$ CD's they were 25cents a disc. They also had a Box for 20$ and you load it up deal. All in all I spent 11.50$. Yep 46 Cd's.. For those who want help sleep here is a list..

WoW - 2000 and 1999(I already have 1 disc to WoW 1997 lost the other somewhere.)

Sum41 - All killer no Filler (I only like 1 song but hey 25cents!)

Methods of Mayhem - No idea cd name (only heard 1 song.. get naked.. and figured again 25cents.. I imagine your seeing a theme here)

Skrape - Isolated (no clue)

Classic mood - Power, Tranquil, Candlelight, Guitar(something for mood music..)

Black Morgan - Anger's Candy (no clue)

Sky - Pieces of Paradise (no clue)

Daky - Freedom (I own another Daky CD and love it for soothing music. I recommend em)

Drag-On - Hell and Back(young rapper who often does bits on DMX's music quite the talent.)

EON - Void Dweller (One of my first expierences into Techno was this CD many years ago and A lord's of Acid cd. It took me over 10 years but now I own both cd's that started my love for electronica, Techno, and dance)

Michael W Smith - Change your World (Long time ago when I went to a Wildlife/Younglife one of the cordinators was assigned to me as a mentor and he bought me a Michael W smith tape[Go west young man]. It was one of the few selfless gifts I received when I was young from a person not in my family. I still enjoy Michael's music to this day when I need something inspiring and not down like what I normally listen to)

Flaw - Through the Eyes(Flaw is an interesting band. I first heard about them as I bought a Single from one of the finest cheap CD sales. Then almost a year later I was at another CDsale and found another single and thier 2nd CD endangered Species. I bought both and enjoyed listening to them since. Now several years after I found thier first disc again at the CD sale. While the band broke up years ago recently some of the orginal members have been doing concerts together. It is wierd events like this that make me ponder words like destiny and fate.)

Hanson - Middle of nowhere(yes I know what your thinking.. Hanson.. Yes. While I could go on about pop music these guys well.. They play thier own instruments and write thier own music. They are actual musicians who do a good job. And MMMbop is catchy.)

Big Head Todd and the monsters - Bonus 2track CD (I've heard of BHTM but never really listened. figure what the heck)

2Gether - Again (The Parody boy band that MTV made a movie parodying all the boy bands and it had catchy music and was funny. All tongue in cheek and fun.)

Mary Fahl - The other side of time 2song sample (Figured I would try a new artist out also and her voice is different and nice)

Tool - Undertow (I adore Tool. I dont own any of thier CD's simply due to not thinking of them when I buy music. So when I saw this I beat down 2 old ladies and tripped a infant in order to get it first.)

Linkin Park - Meteora (I already own the CD figured I could get a copy for my little brother. REgrdless of the CD condition I could make a copy and stick it in there and he could keep the real disc incase he is ever called on ownership(yes I'm that paranoid at times)

The world of Living music - Various stuff (again mood music figured a quarter..)
Kokubu Hiroko - Bridge (I figurd it was J-pop but its mostly piano havn't listened to the whole thing yet)

Dynamite Hack - Superfast (any white group willing to cover Boyz N the hood and do a decent job at parodying it well.. they get a place in my cd collection.)

Dope - American Apathy (I have a dope song from some movie soundtrack. For hard metal they fit the bill. Good stuff if you like it loud.)

Silence - No clue(No clue only says Silence and CDlookup didnt find it. Havn't really listned yet)

Voices in the Mirror - 7 years bad luck (small band no idea where from its not a professional CD its something some guys and thier computer/printer made. its progressive rock.. It is ok.. could use better mixing and some polishing up)
Azam Ali - Elysium for the Brave (I love her voice. http://www.azamalimusic.com/ give her a listen)

Annbjorg Lien - Aliens alive (um.. live disc.. can't really describe.. its ok)
Quake 1 - Computer game (yes I bought the orginal Quake for 25cents. Never actually owned a copy figured why the heck not.)

The Beast Within - Game by Sierra (RPG game that uses live actors. Havn't played it but figured 25cents.. if it sucks I can use the 5disc case for something else.)
Selfish - Colors of Love (J-pop band with 3 guys .. eh.. )

The Hard + the Heavy - Various Artist double CD(lots of rock songs from various artists. good stuff)

Dido - No Angel (My little brother had a copy of this but lost the disc so I figured I would snag me a copy and burn him a copy so he could still listen to it.)

Savage Garden - Affirmation (yeah.. I'm a sucker for such things...)

House Xperience - Mix by Danny Sullivan (techno mix No much else I can say till I listen to it.)

Lit - A place in the sun (yeah. only bought it for the single but eh who knows may like the whole thing)

Isola D'Amore - The Ethereal Expierence (no clue yet.. )

Tim McGraw - Not a moment too soon (There is some country that I like.. and refried Dreams is a good song)

Linea 77 - Ketchup Suicide (no clue.. good says Italian nu metal band.. who knows)

Tori Amos - Cornflake Girl (It is just the Single but as a tori fan I figured I should get it.)

Motley Crue - Motley Crue (didnt know who it was orginally but a google for lyrics came up with this.. Not really a Crue fan but hey.. it may change my mind)

All in all not a bad time almost missed the whole thing. Since the Ebberon game didnt end till 3am I couldnt decide if I wanted to stay up or goto sleep for a little bit. Around 4am I decided a bit of sleep would be good. Though I thought it started at 8am I planned on catching a ride via cab or friend. Well.. 8am rolls around and I call up the place to double check. Apperently it starts at 9am... so I sleep in till 10am :-( get there at 10:30am and I imagine I missed out but eh.. Spent almost 3 hrs digging through CD's to see what I could find. Then called up some friends and went to Perkins. Since I was just a little ways off told them I would walk.. ... Was further off than I figured and took me longer than I figured.. overall spent 4hrs out in the sun without any sunscreen so got burnt:-( Not as badly as I have been before(once got burnt so badly my skin started blistering after a few hours). My music folder hit 32g's from all this. It boggles my mind as all of it is mp3's and music videos. I remember having to keep myself to 250m because thats as big as my HD got and I didnt want to take up space that windows used.

So a fun day in the sun, surounded by people both random and friends, listening to music that I liked or love. Today was a good day. Hopefully this isn't the apex of my up and tomorrow is the fall. I could enjoy being in the mood I'm in now for a few days. It would be nice.


Edit.. I forgot two CD's.. A soundtrack to a anime called The Metal Idol which is pretty cool sounding. Also a band called Leaves Eyes - Legend Land which is like a mix between nightwish and Lacuna coil but no opera singer....

Current Mood: content
Monday, April 23rd, 2007
2:34 am
My strenght is my weakness, My weakness is my hate
I was going to write a whole rant about how sometimes I hate myself. It would've been nothing I have not said already. Like a broken record. Like a broken record. Like a broken record. Either way for something different here is the lyrics to a Smashing Pumpkins song - To Sheila
Twilight fades
Through blistered avalon
The sky's cruel torch
On aching autobahn
Into the uncertain divine
We scream into the last divide

You make me real
You make me real
Strong as i feel
You make me real

Sheila rides on crashing nightingale
Intake eyes leave passing vapor trails
With blushing brilliance alive
Because it's time to arrive

You make me real
You make me real
Strong as i feel
You make me real

Lately I just can't seem to believe
Discard my friends to change the scenery
It meant the world to hold a bruising faith
But now it's just a matter of grace

A summer storm graces all of me
Highway warm sing silent poetry
I could bring you the light
And take you home into the night

You make me real
Lately I just can't seem to believe
You make me real
Discard my friends to change the scenery
Strong as i feel
It meant the world to hold a bruising faith
You make me real
But now it's just a matter of grace


tomorrow will be tuesday the 24th. Helena will be 30. I keep struggling on if I want to give her a call and wish her a happy birthday. If she answers I would probably call her more often which may be annoying if she wants me out of her life. If she doesnt answer it may bring me down a bit further. To not call... well... I beat myself up inside over other things I imagine this would be added to the ball of regrets. I guess we all have our trials. Be they small today and large tomorrow its the choices we make. I dont want to regret a choice but I dont want to be a bother.. Nor do I want to lose a friend. At the moment I'm not sure where I stand with her and I'm not exact if I want to find out.

The silence is suffocating me.
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